“The” Dan Miller Experience

“No Country For Old Men” is the critically acclaimed blah blah blah Coen Brothers blah blah blah award winning blah.

This movie sucked. Outside of being happy that the guy who played Brandon Walsh (no, not Jason Preistly you assholes, let me finish) in “The Goonies managed a comeback, this movie had jack shit to offer.

The Goonies Rocked

I can honestly say that I did not give one single solitary shit about any character or event depicted in this pile of steaming turd. We as viewers are thrown in the middle of a “who gives a fuck” fest involving a drug deal and some money and a guy who kills people with a captive bolt pistol. Ok, killing people with a captive bolt pistol is pretty cool, but how the shit did Javier Bardem win a damn Academy Award? He spoke 12 lines in a bullshit monotone voice that would have Steven Wright telling him to perk up. Give me a Prince Valiant wig (thanks Neely) and I could have done the same thing.

Furthermore, Roger Ebert’s fat ass had the nerve to say that No Country For Old Men was “as good a film as the Coen Brothers ever made.” (Allow me to take a moment to point out that this is the same asshole who said that video games can’t be considered as art. Pick up “Bioshock” and then we’ll talk. No, fuck that- pick up a dictionary and then we’ll talk.)

A Big Daddy would drill a hole in Anton Chigurh’s stupid face.

Anyways, “as good a film as the Coen Brother’s ever made”? Ever heard of “The Big Lebowski”? If I even have to explain why “The Big Lebowski” is a better movie than “No Country For Old Men” than you’re a retard, but I’ll explain it for you in two words (since you’re retarded): Jesus Quintana. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Especially not Anton Chigurh.

You said it mayne.

As to not sound like a complete dick, I will list the good things about this movie.

Josh Brolin: The Goonies was awesome, and Planet Terror was pretty sweet because Fergie died. Congrats on the paycheck. But I’d rather watch The Goonies.

Stephen Root: The guy is gold. Pure gold. Congrats on the paycheck. But I’d rather watch NewsRadio. Or Office Space. Or O Brother Where Art Thou. Or Dodgeball. Or Stephen Root doing jumping jacks.

Death By Captive Bolt Pistol: I will concede that this movie has some of the coolest movie deaths I’ve ever seen. But I’d rather watch Thomas Jane kill his child in The Mist. (Spoilers)

I just want my kids back!

(If you don’t get that reference, you can go straight to hell.)

My good friend Liz asked my opinion on this matter, so I’m going to give it (although I’m pretty sure it’s not what she’s expecting.)

The Cleveland Clinic now has a policy in place which states they will no longer be hiring smokers, and all new applicants will be tested for cotinine in order to determine if the potential employee has nicotine in their system (which leads to the quasi off topic point- if all the bullshit propaganda people spew about second hand smoke is true, then anyone who inhales second hand smoke wouldn’t be able to get a job. Funny how there’s no outcry of people who have nicotine in their systems from second hand smoke being unable to get jobs at the Cleveland Clinic.)

I absolutely despise all anti smoking legislation, and I find this recent demonizing of smokers to be ridiculous. The government mandating that private establishments cannot allow a legal activity on their premises is complete and utter bullshit, but the fact of the matter is that it’s a 2 way street. I don’t believe the government should be able to force privately owned businesses to ban a legal activity, and as such I also don’t believe the government should be able to force privately owned business to hire anyone. My friend calls this discrimination, and it most certainly is. We all have rights, but none of us has a right to work at the Cleveland Clinic, and they don’t have an obligation to give anybody a job. So yes, they are discriminating against smokers, but they’re a private organization- they’re allowed to say “we aren’t hiring anyone we don’t want to hire”, whether it’s discriminatory towards smokers or not. And to anyone who might be saying “that’s the same thing as refusing to hire blacks, and it opens the door for such activity”, it’s not the same argument. Smoking is something you choose to do with your life, being black (or Jewish or Hispanic or gay. That’s right assholes, being gay isn’t a choice) is not, so that’s a completely different discussion.

I firmly believe in small government. I don’t believe in small government unless my personal beliefs would benefit by large government. That would be hypocrisy. The government should not be able to tell me I have to ban something in my own private property. The government also should not be able to tell me I have to hire someone.

So to my good friend Liz- sorry, I know this isn’t the opinion you were expecting of me, but that’s how I feel. Big government never leads to anything but bullshit and the systematic destruction of freedom.

Of course I need to point out- I’m not very versed in the business of health care, so to the best of my knowledge the Cleveland Clinic is a privately owned business. If the Cleveland Clinic receives any funding from the government whatsoever, this all changes. Private citizens have every right in the world to discriminate all they want. The government does not.

My problem with Tyler Perry started during last year’s NBA playoffs. I knew of his existance before that, but that’s when he started getting shoved down my throat (and the last thing I want is a man being shoved down my throat.) Every 2 seconds there was either a commercial or a graphic at the bottom of the screen advertising the “hilarious new sitcom” Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. I’m assuming “Payne” is the family’s last name. If so, I’ve never heard a more hilarious play on words.

After that onslaught, I started noticing that just about every other week this asshole had a new movie coming out. “Madea’s Class Reunion”. “Madea’s Family Reunion”. “Madea Goes To Jail”. I’m starting to believe that Jim Varney didn’t die in 2000, but instead retired his character Ernest P. Worrell, got massive cosmetic surgery, and reemerged as Madea. I’m just waiting for “Madea and Ernest Go Bonkers!” to hit theaters.

Hey Vern, it’s Madea!

But it’s deeper than the fact that anything being overexposed invariably annoys me. I’ve never watched a Tyler Perry movie. I’ve never seen an episode of “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne”. As such, I can’t really comment on the quality of his writing (I can speculate. And I speculate that it’s corny.) What I can do, however, is ask the following question: Will America ever grow tired of the whole “black man in drag” routine? From what I’ve been told, Madea is satire. I’ve also been told that Madea isn’t targeted towards white people. I completely agree that putting black men in drag is emasculating, and it’s messed up that hollywood keeps pumping out shit like “Norbit” and “Big Momma’s House”, but if you’re intent is to make a social commentary, it doesn’t make sense to target it towards the people who already understand the issue. If it’s not satire, than it’s just another corny attempt at the market that I thought Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence had cornered.

But there’s one thing that bothers me the most about this doucehbag. Take a look at some of his movie titles:

Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married

Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls

Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman

That’s right. Every single title is preceded by the phrase “Tyler Perry’s”. Every. Single. One of them. If you’re making social commentary, stop drawing so much attention to the fact that YOU wrote the shit and let it speak for itself you goddamn attention whore. I legally change my name to The Experience, and even I’m not that self involved.

And people go ape shit over this dude.

So right now the United States Supreme Court is in the midst of a case concerning the second amendment (District of Columbia v. Heller). I have no interest in making this a political website. Politics annoy and bore me, and I view it all as some overly grandiose chess game where the winner gets… I don’t know, some cocaine and a couple “get out of killing a hooker” free cards. There are things that I care about, and most of them concern when the government tries (and unfortunately succeeds a good amount of the time) to take my rights away. SMALL GOVERNMENT! Ok, that’s all I’m going to say about politics in general, but this case in particular irks me.

My opinion on gun control (in case it isn’t blatantly obvious by now) is that it’s complete and utter bullshit. That doesn’t make me some redneck militia member who’s waiting for a modern day “Red Dawn”. The world would probably be a better place if guns didn’t exist, but the world would probably be a better place if Fergie didn’t exist. The sad truth is that both things DO exist, and we have to deal with it.

You’re gross.

And don’t get me wrong- I AM glorifying guns. Not only do they make you look cool, but if I’ve learned anything from the movies, it’s that you can take like 8 shots before you get seriously injured. Most people just don’t have that kind of aim or energy.

A lot of people who defend the second amendment say “If you criminalize guns, only the criminals will have guns”. Honestly? I’m not worried about that. I mean, sure it’s a big issue, but it’s not even close to the most frightening. My problem is that if you criminalize guns, only the government will have guns. Do you realize how fucking TERRIFYING that is? Hey pro gun control democrats- you know that conservative government that you hate and fear? Do you really want them to be in control of all of the fire power?

Sorry hippies, I thought you were quails.

It’s a slippery slope folks. You can’t smoke in public. Next you can’t own guns. Next you can’t vote outside of your party. Next you can’t vote. Next you can’t speak out against the government. Next you can’t do anything. If you really think that’s melodramatic, let it continue. And when the day comes where we’re all completely fucked, at least I’ll have the pleasure of saying “I told you so”, even if I don’t have the freedom to say it.

My friend made me watch 2 episodes of this terrible terrible show. It was created by Randy Jackson who spends the majority of his time judging people on “American Idol”. He judges people for a living… Apparently he forgot what he was like in the 80s when he was playing bass for Journey.

Let he who is without Soul Glo cast the first stone

Anyways, Randy Jackson is a full time douche bag dawg, but he’s not the focus of my ire right now. Dancing sucks, plain and simple. Unless you’re breakdancing like a badass, you always look idiotic. And don’t come at me with this pop and lock bullshit. If you’re popping and locking without spinning and uprocking and shit, you’re a poser and lame. Furthermore, if you’re “breakdancing” in tandem with a bunch of other people in a choreographed routine, it doesn’t count. It’s even worse when people dance with big shit eating grins on their faces. What the hell are you smiling about? You’re are way too enthusiastic about the fact that you’re a dick hat.

To make it worse, there’s only one hot chick on this show. Her name is Cindy Minowa, and the fact that she’s hot doesn’t stop her from being a loser.

Hot Loser.

This hot loser is part of a dance crew call “Kaba Modern”. Anyone care to tell me what the fuck “Kaba Modern” means? It sounds like a cheap ripoff of that tequila that Sammy Hagar sells. They’re all asian, and they dance like idiots. That’s all I know about them.

There’s another crew called the “Jabbawockeez”.

Assholez

The Jabbawockeez seem to be a fan favorite (at least from what I saw in the 2 episodes I was forced into watching). I think they suck. Hard. First of all, they took a completely made up word and then misspelled it because they’re edgy (by the way, I’m gonna start a dance crew called the “BandaSnatchaz” if anyone’s interested). Second of all they all wear plain white masks. Nothing screams “take me seriously” as much as a gimmick (just ask ICP). Furthermore, there’s already someone that has that gimmick. His name is Buckethead and he doesn’t suck at life like these tools.

Buckethead gets more ass than the JabbaWockeez

Finally, and my personal favorite, we have the highly innovative dance group “BreakSk8″ (I love when people spell “skate” as “sk8″).

Glorified Roller Disco

This was the only picture I could find (because I refuse to look for any other ones). They got eliminated. Do you know why they got eliminated? Because they never take off their sk8s (rad). During one episode, they said some shit like “oh this routine isn’t going to translate well to rollersk8s (rad)”. You know how you can fix that? Take off your fucking rollersk8s (rad) you assholes. Noone is making you wear that shit. Maybe instead of sucking worse than everyone else sucks, do some regular suck dancing, and put the sk8s (rad) back on next week. But nope, one-trick-pony-sk8 (rad) stuck to their guns and got eliminated. See you L8ER! LOLZ!

So if you insist on dancing, at least be cool about it and breakdance. And kick a toddler while you’re doing it. Otherwise you’re just a lameass.

BDIS

When it comes to “supporting the troops” my attitude is very much like Doug Stanhope’s - I’m not saying don’t support the troops, but I support people on an individual basis. If you’re a dick face, enlisting in the army doesn’t stop you from being a dick face (get the dick off of your face, dick face). With that said, I respect the hell out of the job they do. I’d love nothing more than to be out there shootin’ up the bad guy, runnin’ around doling out witty quips before I ape smash someone (I can’t really think of anything witty right now, but I’d like to think I’d do ok if I were faced with the situation). I mean, hell, as much as I love the game Timesplitters (it’s way better than Halo. Eat it fanboys) you’d think I’d be signing up a.s.a.p.

Sgt. Cortez ain’t got shit on me.

There are 3 reasons I’m not in the armed forces.

1. I clearly don’t have a realistic view of army life. What I want is all the glamorous shit without all the pushups and taking orders.
2. I’m way too much of a coward to knowingly put myself in a situation where my sudden death is a very real possibility. Oddly enough, I have no problem putting myself in situations where my slow painful death is a very real possibility. That’s why I’m ok smoking as much as I do, and have been known to romance up strange women.
3. Finally, while I respect someone being willing to die for a cause, I personally have too many issues with our government to pledge undying allegiance to them. Also, most people I meet are assholes, so I’m not willing to die for strangers. That’s why I can’t wait for the zombies to come (and they will come). It’s a real threat, people I care about are in danger, and I don’t have to worry about killing someone who for all I know is an alright dude.

If you’re wondering why the Batman symbol is on my chest in that picture, it’s because my chest hair naturally grows in the shape of the Batman symbol. No lie. I know, it’s completely awesome, but we’re not here to talk about how awesome my chest hair is. My point with all of this is, Friday night, I met a couple troops at the bar, and they were cool as shit (even though this dude Greg totally CBd* me).

Bottom line - If you’re in our armed service, thank you for what you do. Just know it doesn’t give you carte blanch to be a jack off. But if you’re a decent human being and a troop and I see you at the bar, the next round is on me.

*CB = Cock Block. Hey, don’t blame me, I didn’t do it.

I don’t really have anything big on my mind right now, but I do have several small points that don’t really warrant their own posts. These are those thoughts.

• “Homosexual” does not equal “Pedophile”- I honestly can’t even believe that this is something that still needs to be said. I really like to think that the majority of our planet understands this (although with everybody going gorilla dick over Hannah Montana and American Idol, I have trouble keeping faith in people), but there are still dick heads like the Boy Scouts of America and countless public school across the country that firmly believe that “I like men” = “I like children”. I don’t understand how someone can (with a straight face) say something like “I don’t want no goddamn queer teacher trying to molest my kids!” The only way I would even come close to accepting that as a valid view point (and I still wouldn’t) is if the same people said “I don’t want no goddamn heterosexual male teacher trying to molest my daughter!” But if I may be gravely serious- we do need to worry about the gay conspiracy. These sodomites with their decadent lifestyles are trying to convert our children to their sinfully sweet cause. So maybe they are molesting our children… with gay propaganda. Think about it.

• Seat belt laws are bullshit- Hey Reginald (by the way, I decided to start referring to our government as “Reginald”), I don’t need you to protect me from myself! It’s not your fucking job. That’s why nobody likes you. The same thing goes for anti smoking laws (Kiss my ass all you “wah wah wah secondhand smoke” sissies. You don’t like my smoke? Walk away moron. I assure you it will take less effort than your incessant bitching), the majority of anti drug laws, and countless other things that Reginald spends my money on. Which leads me to my next point:

• Hey Reginald: STOP WASTING MY DAMN MONEY!- If you’re going to spend my money, get something accomplished. At this point I don’t even care what. Fill a pot hole! Spend 10 million dollars to fill a pot hole, I don’t care, just do something and finish it. No child left behind? Guess what, children are left behind. Some children will be left behind. You aren’t Holden Caulfield, so stop trying to catch the little bastards from falling. It’s a sad truth but you can’t save everyone. The war on terror? To quote David Cross- that’s like trying to fight a war on jealousy. It’s literally impossible to win a war on terror. The war on drugs? The same thing as the war on terror, but this one’s even worse. Either fight the war on drugs (please don’t) or stop taking money from bullshit pharmaceutical companies that are zombifying our population (please do). I don’t have a debt anywhere near as bad as you, and I can’t get credit. How do you keep getting money? Start a ledger or something, budget that shit. Eat ramen for a couple weeks and maybe use 1 ply toilet paper for a while. Oh, and stop giving yourself raises. You haven’t earned them.

• I hate Madonna- She really hasn’t done anything lately to piss me off, and anyone who’s ever spent more than 7 minutes talking to me already knows this, but I felt it needed said again. Although “Like a Prayer” is a great song. That’s about all she’s ever done for me.

• Anderson “Spider” Silva is a monster- He rolled through Dan Henderson. Who’s going to beat him? I don’t know what weight class Jesus is in, but I’m fairly certain he could beat up Jesus. Although in all fairness to Jesus, I don’t know that he had much Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training. I think he dabbled in Muay Thai but he only got like a yellow belt. He had other shit on his plate.

That has to hurt SO bad

Alright so here’s the deal… There’s more snow outside than on Lindsay Lohan’s coffee table (See that right there? It’s funny because I’m using snow to mean “cocaine” in addition to precipitation. It’s a double entendre. Wait. Is that what double entendre means? I’m pretty sure it is. Ok, yeah I just checked wikipedia, that’s what double entendre means). The conditions are terrible, and since I’m unable to drive anywhere until the end of April anyways, I am staying in my apartment until I have to work Monday morning. In addition to that, I’ve decided I’m going to sleep as little as I possibly can. You may be asking yourself “why is he doing this?” and I’ll tell you why: there’s nothing else for me to do. So I’m going to periodically update this post throughout the weekend, and keep you all updated on the banal minutia of my life. It’s a little experiment… let’s see how it works out.

Friday 5:48 pm I smoked a cigarette and made this post. I’m also about to go get a Vitamin Water out of the fridge and watch the new episode of “Lost”. Game on.

Friday 7:03 pm The new episode of “Lost” was meh. It was nowhere near as good as last week. I’m already bored, and I still have over 2 days to go.

Friday 8:18 pm So I’ve spent the last hour rearranging all the shit on my 3 hard drives. I now have all of my music in one folder, and all of my movies in another. I’m working on the tv shows right now. It should be a blast, cuz the majority of my gigs are spent on tv shows. I’m pouring myself a drink.

Friday 8:48 pm It took me over 20 minutes just to copy all six seasons of “Oz” (phenomenal show by the way) so I decided I’m done with all that nonsense. I’m going to pour another drink, listen to some music (I got a little Ghostface bumpin’ right now), and talk to my Hungarian friend Zanzibar.

Friday 10:05 pm Oh my friggin god Rilo Kiley is awesome and Jenny Lewis: please have my babies. Not literally of course, but at least marry me. Oh and look, apparently Hungarians don’t like fun. Yeah I’m talking to you Zanzibar. BOOSH! Truck Driver? I ain’t no truck driver. Wassup Tarner?

Friday 11:12 pm This post has gone on long enough without a picture dammit! So I’m going to ripoff Tucker Max’s book cover (except I’m wearing a fur coat. Awesome). Ladies? Interested? I know you are.

Friday 11:29pm I just sent Kelly Frank Zakowski a drunken message. We’re hoping like hell she’s a good sport (I really think she is. She still has firemen at her desk. Hey average reader- don’t worry about what that means). Also- buy one get one cigarettes make my day. And so does the movie “Over The Top” starring Sylvester Stallone. Not many people would have the balls to make an arm wrestling movie. (real quick- sometimes I straight up ask google questions. For example: who produced “over the top”. Sometimes it answers me. Awesome.) James D. Brubaker had the balls to make that kind of movie. Stallone’s character’s name? Lincoln Hawk. A very real possibility for my next legal name change.

Saturday 12:43 am I…ok look… I’m kinda trashed right now. That doesn’t change the fact that the band “They Might Be Giants” is fucking awesome. Hey America- Build a little birdhouse in your soul… seriously.

Saturday 1:35 am Misanthropy has it’s drawbacks. I’m left with a severely burnt middle finger and a Captain Morgan soaked keyboard. Fun times. Sleep time. I’ll update MANANA!!!!!

Saturday 2:28 am Hey kids. Don’t drink excessively. It makes you vomit. Violently. I’m not going to say whether or not this is first hand experience right now, but I will say- Discovery Zone. Outside door knob. No joke. HA! Ok, sleepy for realisies.

Saturday 1:07 pm I am so done with this experiment. Status= failure.

I’m sure everybody knows about Bratz dolls (if you don’t, consider yourself blessed with the ignorance of our declining civilization). These things have pissed me off for quite some time, and earlier today I finally realized that I now have a forum to air these grievances. They are little whore dolls, plain and simple. Now, I am NEVER the kind of person who says shit like “kids shouldn’t be exposed to [insert whatever here].” Violent video games do not make children violent, watching “Will And Grace” (you’ll have to excuse me, I don’t know what the new hot gay tv show is) does not make children gay, etc. It’s up to the parents to teach their kids reality from fiction. With that said, any parent who buys their child a Bratz doll is a bad parent. Yep, I’m unequivocally saying that. You’re either so checked out as a parent that you don’t know or care what your child plays with (bad parent), or you are knowingly handing your daughter a whore who values frivolous material goods and slut fashion as a toy (bad parent).

I’ve made this handy chart to showcase the main characteristics of a Bratz doll:

If that weren’t bad enough check this out:

TODDLER WHORES!!! Excuse me… TODDLER WHOREZ!!!

Are you kidding me? A 3 year old in booty shorts wearing makeup? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?!? Furthermore, the main Bratz are named Cloe, Sasha, Jade, and Yasmin. (To make it clear, I’m saying the following sentence with no offense intended to anybody with those names.) As a man who has been to a strip club a time or two… those are stripper names if I’ve ever heard a stripper name. And I’ve heard stripper names. I’m almost certain if you give Yasmin an extra 15 bucks, she’ll take you to the back room. I’ve never done it, but my friend Wayne did (that’s how he got the nickname “Wayne the Stain”. Sorry Wayne. You know I love you.)

You want a look at what you’re prepping your children for? Are you sure? It’s not pretty. Ok, you asked for it. And know in advance that being froze in the doggystyle position is not genetic. It is a choice. And you can help your children make the right choice.

God I hate Paris Hilton.

Do you want your children to grow up and be like Paris Hilton? Before you answer that question, that does not mean they will have Paris Hilton’s mounds of disgustingly undeserved money. It just means that they will be slimy, idiotic, disease ridden whores. Think about it next time you’re at Toys ‘R’ Us.

Oh and one more thing (this is a special message just for Paris Hilton):

I was watching an episode of “Weeds” the other night. If you don’t know what “Weeds” is, it’s a program on Showtime about a single widow mother who sells reefer (that’s what the kids are calling marijuana these days, right?) in order to support her 2 sons. Sidenote: The oldest son is a teenager and a complete douchebag, but he inexplicably gets to date the incredibly cute Shoshannah Stern (ok, the character that Shoshannah Stern plays), while I have to watch “Jericho” and pretend that I live in a post apocalyptic world where I’d be the best she could do (win by default!) and my only competition is either Skeet Ulrich or Sol from “Snatch”.

Surely I’m better than Skeet Ulrich?

Anyways, “Weeds” is a great show. While it confuses me that Kevin Nealon continues to get work, it please me that Romany Malco (Jay from “The 40 Year Old Virgin”) is getting a paycheck, because he’s hilarious. It also stars Mary Louise Parker. Mary Louise Parker (aside from the 80 year old lady’s middle name) is so freaking hot. Also, I am in love with her. Now don’t get it wrong, I don’t mean that in a weird “Oh I want to marry you and have all kinds of babies and pick out drapes and shit” kind of way. I mean it in more of a “There’s a good chance I’m going to stalk you” kind of way (Can I get in trouble for that? Are we that bad with the political correctness yet? Well just to be sure, I should tell you I’m kidding. I’m nowhere near motivated enough to stalk someone, and binoculars make my eyes hurt.)

Shh… I’m not going to hurt you…

…Where the hell was I going with this… Oh, right, so I was watching an episode of “Weeds” the other night and I heard a fantastic song, and did the appropriate legwork to find out that it was by the band Rilo Kiley. Rilo Kiley is awesome. Bah, I spent all my energy talking about “Weeds”… maybe I’ll talk more about Rilo Kiley at a later date. For now, you’ll have to settle for me in a fur coat:

Sweet